Monday, January 05, 2015

Best Flat Belly Detox Recipe

Is a flat-belly detox on your New Year's resolution list? So many concoctions have cropped up on social media over the past week, with ingredients ranging from kale and strawberries to sawdust and cow dung. Just run 'em through the blender, ingest via the mouth (or wherever) four times daily for two weeks, and bam! No belly. No body toxins. And probably no appetite for anything else, once you've wrapped your lips around a cow-dung smoothie.

But do not believe a word Gwyneth Paltrow might say. I, yes I, have your perfect detox recipe right here. You don't even have to work it into your system several times a day. Or week. Or month. In fact, I recommend once a week, max. OK, pay close attention. Here it is:
  • 2 (or 3, depending on how detoxified you want to be) scoops vanilla ice cream
  • 1 (or 2, depending on how flat you want that belly of yours) cups hot fudge sauce
  • handful of walnuts, pecans, or almonds (or all three)
  • 1 cup (or 2, depending on how brave you are) freshly whipped double cream
  • 1 fake cherry, or another cup of hot fudge sauce, or both (depending on how bat-shit crazy you are)
  • 1 big ol' spoon
Now, if you're lactose intolerant or nut-allergic, well, this won't work for you until you check yourself into a clinic and get un-lactose intolerated and de-nut allergerized. (It'll be worth it in the end, truly.)

After you have one of these unbelievably tasty detox brews per week, or even every two weeks, you, too, can be flat-bellied untoxicated.

A couple more things are required: get 20-30 minutes of exercise at least 5 times a week (walking briskly is fine, as are a couple of sit ups and vacuuming the living room). And let your kidneys, liver, lungs, and skin do the job they are meant to do - remove the toxins from your system. Unless your natural body-included detoxicators aren't working properly (yes, another visit to the clinic), that's all you need to detox anything you may ingest except for alcohol and drugs. That's right! Your body regularly detoxifies itself! Unbelievable news, I know.

Please don't put these organs out of work. Let them do their job. And don't forget your feet. They like to walk. OK, pass that hot fudge sauce. I have a resolution to keep.

Saturday, January 03, 2015

Resolved: Not to care what you think

When I started blogging almost ten years ago, I was looking for a way to clear my head of the silly stuff stuck in there that was holding me back, pissing me off, or simply occupying valuable space needed to move on to more important things. Many of my early blog posts focused on hilariously trivial things, whatever was on my mind and with few limits on language or range of thought. I mean, no one was reading them, so what the hell? Great therapy, minimal cost.

Somewhere along the line, though, things changed. The blog stopped being random, free-wheeling, whatever's-on-my-mind stuff, and started being something else. I think I can pinpoint the change around the time I started sharing links to the blog on Facebook.  My blogs became tempered in tone, less fun, more middle-of-the-road. I certainly didn't want to offend any friends or family with what I was writing, so I kept it safe. Not that the older blog posts were dangerous in any way, but they were certainly more unbridled.

So, I'm going to try my best to get back to the original intent of this blog in 2015. I plan to use it as a brain-dump. Whatever's going on in my head. I won't set out to offend you, but neither will not worry about whether what I post will upset you. Feel free to disagree or get your panties in a wad, just don't rant about it to me. Write your own blog.

Be assured that I will still stay away from politics, Botox, the Kardasians, and trials and tribulations of work or family. But I'm sure I'll find many other topics guaranteed to bug, discombobulate, or hack you off. ~ shrug ~

I love ya' and honor your right to your own thoughts and beliefts. And it's time for me to honor my own. Let 'er rip!